“The president of the United States should always wear a thick, twirly mustache. If by some dreadful chance we elect a clean-shaven man to our highest office, then our finest fake twirly mustache will be made available to him.”

-U.S. Constitution, 1st draft, 1787



“Freedom is ranch dressing.”

-Alvin Mondale, Freedom Is…, 1788


“Small Pox shouldn’t be eliminated so much as contained and used only for good.”

-Rep. Patrick Wadsworth, campaign literature, 1796


“The tighter the girdle, the looser the goose.”

-Dr. Montrose Fleming, medical journal, 1775


“The toddler, when briskly shaken, will laugh and laugh, as if he’d seen the antics of a circus clown. The virtuous parent, however, would be mindful not to shake too roughly or too often, so’s not to take the child’s life, or worse, his sight. In the occurrence of such tragedy, the most prudent action is to place blame on your weakest servant.”

-Thomas Vole, Maintaining Your Offspring, 1785


“When stuffing the trousers in preparation for a day out, it is in your best interest to use something soft and pliable, such as balsa wood. The occasional splinter is but a small price to pay for the ogling of, well, anybody. No stares are bad stares.”

-C. H. Mosely, How to Make Friends, 1798


“If it be asked, What is the most sacred duty and the greatest source of our security in a Republic? The answer would be, Gonethra, the benevolent, duel-headed sea beast who resides quietly in the great Atlantic. He awakens from his slumber only to see to our safety in times of peril. He is on our side.

What? Okay, very well, the most sacred duty and greatest source of our security is an inviolable respect for the Constitution and Laws, etc, etc.  There, is that sufficient? You men have no joy.”

– Rep. Jules McGovern, government brainstorming session, 1776